Scary Boris

Today was a surreal day Phillip. I was playing 52 card pick up in the lobby of number 11 with Nick, and in walked this crazy guy with white hair shouting and stammering. He introduced himself as Boris, swaggered off into my office, sat down in MY CHAIR, and proceeded to flick through my little roladex of business cards!

Nick said he was the mayor, and that I should know him as he was in Bullingdon too, only a few years before me, but I don’t. Nick said I should be careful not to reply with any affirmative response, as he uses so many confusing words, he’ll probably be asking something really important, but it’ll sound like he’s asking for a cup of tea.

I went into my office and sat in the guest chair. Boris lent over MY DESK like he owned it, looked me right in my eyes and said. ‘I’ve come to discuss one thing with you’. ‘Do you know what that imight be?’ ‘No, Sir’, I replied, to which he laughed. ‘George, address me as Boris. Kismet on your side, following the causatum of last week, I am subordinate to you now old chap. Congratulations.’

As Nick had warned, I had absolutely no idea what this crazy lunatic was on about, so the only thing I could think of in response was to offer him a drink. ‘Grape Fanta, Boris?’ I asked, as I plucked open the fridge door. He looked at me as if i’d just pulled out a dead Badger. ‘George, i’d heard of your heteroclite declensions, so i’ll be gentle. Can we talk openly wih one another’ he stuttered. For a moment I thought he might be coming on to me, so I slowly closed the fridge and edged toward the door. ‘George, my budget’. ‘I need more money for Crossrail.’ He shouted.

It all became clear. The hair, the wild erratic mannerisms. Boris was a trainspotter! I thought I’d recognised him, but not from Bullingdon. It was he standing at the far end of the central platforms at Didcot Parkway, notebook in hand, screetching because the special steam train was delayed.

Boris wanted money for his new toy being built in London. He went on for about an hour phillip, about how important it was, and that he had a deal that would mean he’d be the first person to drive the first train. He made me agree that I wouldn’t cut his budget or he’d arrest Will Young for ‘cottaging’. I don’t know what that means, but I don’t want Will to be arrested for anything, so I agreed to leave his train budget alone.

I hope I don’t have to see much of him Phillip.