Today I had my first news conference to tell people what i’m doing in my job. After the banks refused to drop the silly debts that Alistair and Gordon took out, I got really angry, so I wrote a big speach about them. Here it is:
“Thanks everyone for coming. Today marks the beginning of a new chapter for this country. After a week of frantic deliberation, i’m afraid to advise you that neither HSBC or Lloyds would cancel the debts that Gordon took out to buy all those chuppa chups for the kiddies. In light of this, Britain is bringing back the death penalty. Gordon and Alistair will be placed in stocks and driven through Oxford Street, Trafalgar Square, Horse Guards, Victoria Street and placed on a train to Hastings, where they will be hung from the end of the Pier. You, the good British people can throw anything you wish at them including, tomatoes, tenderstem Broccoli, watercress salad and some oak smoked salmon. Once they are dead, their bodies will be sold to the chinese in exchange for a new toaster for Number 10, as Daveo gets grumpy without his Raspberry jam on toast. This will enable Britain, and specically David, to refocus its efforts on restoring this country to its former glory. God save the Queen.’
Nick said he thought it was a little bit irrational and that I was clearly angry at Gordon and Alistair, but on the whole he agreed with what i’d written. However, Daveo, being the new liberal-tory he is, re-wrote it for me to include references to some old chap Maudling, and made me cut out the bit about throwing food at Gord.
I tell you Phillip, I think something’s happened to Daveo since he and Nick started spending time together. Anyone would think he’s fallen in love…
