I got mail

Georgie — Thu, 20 May 2010 19:16:30 +0000

I got into the office this morning and thought it was my birthday. There on my desk was this beautiful hand-written letter in a cream envelope with red bow tie. It even smelled of cheap aftershave, so I though it might be from that rich uncle of mine. I was very disappointed though when I opened it, and saw it wasn’t a birthday present at all, but a letter from my bank manager Merv.

He said he was sorry but inflation was higher and blah blah blah. It’s just another thing that labour have done to make my job a nightmare Phillip. I mean, they emptied my bank account, got me into debt and now they’ve made Grape Fanta more expensive. You can’t even buy it in this country anymore. I have to import it from Brazil. And they’ve gone and devalued the squid, so its really expensive to buy stuff. B**tards.

I showed the letter to Daveo who seemed pretty un-interested. He had his smelly feet up on his desk and was reading a copy of the Evan’s Cycles catalogue. I guess I shall write back to Merv and tell him not to write to me again, at least not for a few months anyway. I’ve had enough of bad news.

My first news conference

Georgie — Mon, 17 May 2010 13:42:26 +0000

Today I had my first news conference to tell people what i’m doing in my job. After the banks refused to drop the silly debts that Alistair and Gordon took out, I got really angry, so I wrote a big speach about them. Here it is:

“Thanks everyone for coming. Today marks the beginning of a new chapter for this country. After a week of frantic deliberation, i’m afraid to advise you that neither HSBC or Lloyds would cancel the debts that Gordon took out to buy all those chuppa chups for the kiddies. In light of this, Britain is bringing back the death penalty. Gordon and Alistair will be placed in stocks and driven through Oxford Street, Trafalgar Square, Horse Guards, Victoria Street and placed on a train to Hastings, where they will be hung from the end of the Pier. You, the good British people can throw anything you wish at them including, tomatoes, tenderstem Broccoli, watercress salad and some oak smoked salmon. Once they are dead, their bodies will be sold to the chinese in exchange for a new toaster for Number 10, as Daveo gets grumpy without his Raspberry jam on toast. This will enable Britain, and specically David, to refocus its efforts on restoring this country to its former glory. God save the Queen.’

Nick said he thought it was a little bit irrational and that I was clearly angry at Gordon and Alistair, but on the whole he agreed with what i’d written. However, Daveo, being the new liberal-tory he is, re-wrote it for me to include references to some old chap Maudling, and made me cut out the bit about throwing food at Gord.

I tell you Phillip, I think something’s happened to Daveo since he and Nick started spending time together. Anyone would think he’s fallen in love…

Georgie's Money Issues » blame labour

I got mail

My first news conference