I invited Timmy to my mansion to play xbox but he had to go off with Daveo. It was so embarrassing. Daveo came in with Raspberry jam all over his face and he had no socks on! Said they’d got sweaty what with all this sun we’ve been having.

It wasn’t difficult really, I just thought about all the things I hate or departments I don’t understand and got rid of them:
- Kids. I hate the snotty nose little blighters, so I cut their trust funds. Easy one that.
- Quangos. I don’t even know what they are, so I got rid of some of them.
- Transport. I don’t use the train or the tube, and that crossrail malarky – well – i’d ditch that yesterday if I could but after that silly man with the white hair came to see me, I thought i’d best be careful. Still cut some of their budget though. Ha!
- Internet computers. Daveo keeps walking around with that stupid blackberry, which I hate, so to spite him I decided to cut some of the money I give to internet computers. This backfired a little bit however as I realised I’d cancelled my subscription to call of duty on xbox.

Big boss man said i’d probably have to cut more money next month, so I had a chat to a man in the know Dan. He said I should stop spending money on healthcare for poor people. He said it was all self inflicted anyway by smoking and eating too many pies. I do agree but Daveo likes poor people these days so he probably won’t like it.

I’m off to bed to sleep off my headache now.

He said he was sorry but inflation was higher and blah blah blah. It’s just another thing that labour have done to make my job a nightmare Phillip. I mean, they emptied my bank account, got me into debt and now they’ve made Grape Fanta more expensive. You can’t even buy it in this country anymore. I have to import it from Brazil. And they’ve gone and devalued the squid, so its really expensive to buy stuff. B**tards.

I showed the letter to Daveo who seemed pretty un-interested. He had his smelly feet up on his desk and was reading a copy of the Evan’s Cycles catalogue. I guess I shall write back to Merv and tell him not to write to me again, at least not for a few months anyway. I’ve had enough of bad news.

Nick said he was the mayor, and that I should know him as he was in Bullingdon too, only a few years before me, but I don’t. Nick said I should be careful not to reply with any affirmative response, as he uses so many confusing words, he’ll probably be asking something really important, but it’ll sound like he’s asking for a cup of tea.

I went into my office and sat in the guest chair. Boris lent over MY DESK like he owned it, looked me right in my eyes and said. ‘I’ve come to discuss one thing with you’. ‘Do you know what that imight be?’ ‘No, Sir’, I replied, to which he laughed. ‘George, address me as Boris. Kismet on your side, following the causatum of last week, I am subordinate to you now old chap. Congratulations.’

As Nick had warned, I had absolutely no idea what this crazy lunatic was on about, so the only thing I could think of in response was to offer him a drink. ‘Grape Fanta, Boris?’ I asked, as I plucked open the fridge door. He looked at me as if i’d just pulled out a dead Badger. ‘George, i’d heard of your heteroclite declensions, so i’ll be gentle. Can we talk openly wih one another’ he stuttered. For a moment I thought he might be coming on to me, so I slowly closed the fridge and edged toward the door. ‘George, my budget’. ‘I need more money for Crossrail.’ He shouted.

It all became clear. The hair, the wild erratic mannerisms. Boris was a trainspotter! I thought I’d recognised him, but not from Bullingdon. It was he standing at the far end of the central platforms at Didcot Parkway, notebook in hand, screetching because the special steam train was delayed.

Boris wanted money for his new toy being built in London. He went on for about an hour phillip, about how important it was, and that he had a deal that would mean he’d be the first person to drive the first train. He made me agree that I wouldn’t cut his budget or he’d arrest Will Young for ‘cottaging’. I don’t know what that means, but I don’t want Will to be arrested for anything, so I agreed to leave his train budget alone.

I hope I don’t have to see much of him Phillip.

I’m gonna try my luck to relieve this debt issue at Lloyds now.